Chapter 1-The Unknown Father A/N: This is the sequal to Harry Potter and the Unsuspecting Savior. I felt responsible for everyone’s happiness, (just like all those decades ago!). It’s one of those huge big questions of “how to I ask my mother about my father; she refuses to talk about him” and can lead to some of the biggest adoption reunion blow outs. So please don’t withhold the ability for me to know myself. It still is what it is no matter what you try to cover it up with. Having a baby from a one-night stand would be terribly hard, I imagined. We recently found out we have a 26 year old granddaughter. However, we will likely have to work with an investigator or provide notice by publication in a newspaper to help identify him before we can proceed with an unknown father adoption — as North Carolina law requires that he be notified of any … Your Adoption Answers specialist will likely ask you for any known information about the father so he or she can attempt to reach him. See, I can’t do that. Does the birth father have to agree to adoption? It didn’t. Because you never taught him the facts of life?! Once upon a time when Rye and I were first together and things were not so great, I would wonder how the hell I would be able to even deal with him if we split up because I had envisioned him behaving rather badly. Could women point a finger at a married man (or any man) and say that, that person is the one and now he has to give up his first family? If I have a child, it will definitely be my call whether a father is identified. I think it is more than a question of is it a good idea to do that  even with good intentions and protection, but do we have the right to do that? I don’t recall that his name was put on the birth certificate because he did not show up to sign it, (was probably worried about getting stuck with child support payments). I bet people would step out on their spouse less if we did. Once the child is born, both you and the father will sign consent paperwork that will allow the adoption to take place. I wanted to talk about a comment that was received on this adoption infographic post; Birth Father’s Rights in Adoption. You will need to contact a lawyer in your area in order to complete this process. There always seems to be that one person in any family who came out “not wired right” and the rest of the family might be perfectly lovely. Currently, there is the matter of paternity fraud, with women just naming somebody on the BC without his knowledge or consent. I agree with you totally Claud but there’s another issue here: the law. This way the adoptive parents can make sure that the consent of the supposed father is not necessary.. What a jerk. How damaging that would have been if he wasn’t the father. I thought surely that having been convicted of Aggravated Assault with a Deadly weapon against me while I was pregnant with our son would keep this monster from having access to him. So yes, mothers do relinquish their babies to adoption if they are in abusive relationships and can’t seem to get away from the fathers of their children. It was MY paternal information, not just her personal info. Give your child the reality of knowing and then stand with them as they fiqure out what it means to them. I know all too many people, including women, including mothers, including people who look into adoption who are just done fucked up. Why? We were babies, then…I get it. I am a realist; despite my insane optimism. Which of course you cannot do if no one will tell you where you came from. He had sex with you without any thought of the consequences. Whatever my parents’ story, I deserved to know about it, from HER. It represents the chance to expand their family, while also giving a child in need a home. The answer differs by state and, often, by judges within a My parents did get married later on and I want to have my father put on my birth certificate but the process is onerous. And that trust must always go to the mother who knows best? Re: Unknown Father Adoption. They know he is alive. I took risks with him a handful of times and the fourth or fifth time was my undoing. The adoption agency could have met my “needs” of avoidance and still done the right thing. If you and the biological father are not in full agreement about your adoption plan, or if you have questions about an unknown father and adoption, it is important to work closely with an experienced adoption … Do Birth Mothers Get 'Paid' for Adoption? Right. She signed over custody to us in her will, non family, and we want to adopt the child. My mother does not and did not think he is so good because of her perception that he abandoned her, but he did not know so could not have abandoned her. There is no way to explain the fear and terror. It’s a shame that this is accepted as a reason, rather than helping both mother and child be safe from said bad man, but we got to keep the baby coffers filled! In my case my father is a good man and he and I have a wonderful relationship. There have been some big lawsuits over the years over this. Some random social worker must have. Instead they instructed me to name him as “unknown” on the birth certificate and somewhere in the fall or winter of 1987, placed an ad in some legal publication that listed the adoption plan of Max and my name. These are common questions that we hear from expectant mothers who are considering adoption in Texas. Obviously,  it is a wise decision to keep your child, adopted or not, away from any situation that could be dangerous. The guy made it clear that he is not at all interested in any possible offspring if he doesn’t follow up with the woman he had sex with. In this case, you should talk to a lawyer to get help with the next steps in the adoption. Yeah, that are that many. Either Costa Rica or Nicaragua has a law the forces DNA tests on all fathers to determine if he actually is. These are men who took advantage and risked the emotional and physical health and well being of the girl/women many of them professed to love. "Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it's the only thing that ever has." If the father cannot be found or does not respond to this contact in a timely manner, his rights will be terminated and the adoption can proceed as normal. Adoption without parental consent of the father is possible in some circumstances. When the birth father is unknown: If a prospective birth mother does not know the identity of the baby’s father, a court may be able to proceed with an adoption without him. Sometimes, an expectant mother is unsure of who the biological father of her baby is, where he is or how to reach him. Later he did show up to sign the relinquishment papers, of course. My daughter was born in Texas. They could have said; “Yes, we understand that you do not wish to talk to this man, but there is a moral and ethical right to tell him that an adoption is planned for his  yet unborn only child and he needs to know. As long as all efforts are made to find the birth father, you may be able to pursue an adoption plan without his consent. She has the right as do I to know the truth, even if it is painful, and then she has the right to accept it, wrestle with it, whatever. She may not have liked my father. Any parental rights the unknown father may have will be terminated upon the entry of the order of adoption. I wonder how one might research this: I am sure it’s not easy. So we can’t just trust moms to “know best”; and that’s why there are supposed to be legal safe guards to protect father’s rights.  And no matter how much one believes they are helping, you still cannot change what is the ultimate bottom line; you cannot change what it; It is still the truth; however ugly, uncomfortable, yucky, or unpleasant. I believed her; I hurt for her.  I mean, I have cried hysterically because a store didn’t have YooHoo when I was pregnant! May 5, 1990 – help us!  They know we think he is in Nevada. and were do i go for it. So even if you love the person you wish to protect, you are betraying their trust and making a decisions for them based on your feelings, not theirs. Adoption “saved” Max from nothing that was truly threatening except knowing his family from birth, living in NY rather than Boston and not being happy that the Boston Red Sox just won the World Series. I was born in the 60’s. He may be supportive of the adoption decision, unsupportive of it, uninvolved in the child’s life or unknown. If you’ve never been in a life threatening situation, then you don’t know the danger. Worse, my mother had lied to me for years about not knowing who he was: his name was in my file, all that time–I know this because the CI had found him: it all matched, as did our DNA and our likenesses. I mean the intent behind “protecting” a person form the ugly or not so ugly truth about one’s self might be begun as a kindness, but it is still a lie. “FATHER UNKNOWN” is the true story of a man’s struggle to face an emptiness he carries inside. hi i got the birft father name but not the mother name of my adoption can you help with location of the adoption date. I didn’t want to talk to him and the adoption agency was all too happy to help me avoid him. 1. Disconnected from the people closest to him and haunted by the secrecy in his family, he records his desperate search for connection on a journey with the father he’s never truly known. Wait what we need is a birth certificate with mom and dad and then an adoption certificate for anything afterwards. it was ruined anyway……… Whether you’re married, in a relationship, or no longer together, if your child’s father is supportive of your adoption plan, the adoption can continue without any additional requirements. @Ariel…I know this is all several months late, but if you see this: “Our son left for military service and never knew he had created a baby girl.”. Someone needs to write about it. Now, if you had done an adoption, he would have been assumed to be a horrible man as many fathers are- whether it is true or not. An adult has no right to make this kind of decision for another adult. if you don’t really know, then you don’t really know. It is almost as if the man is guilty and has to prove his innocence.  While 1987 was before DNA testing, the fact is that child support would not have been a great battle as I suspect that he would have provided very well for his child. Well if the step dad legally adopts the child and the birth father surrenders his rights.. Sometimes it has so little to do with that “bad” person and more to do with fitting in a piece to a puzzle. I made the right decision to keep him out of her life.”. Sign Up for the Adoption Army! If he does not give consent at this time, he has 31 days after the child is born to assert his paternity via the Putative Father Registry, after which, his parental rights will be terminated. My mother made that decision right up until she took her final breath. : I know a lawyer how had a child with her boyfriend her last year of law school in the late 1960s.. She put his name on the BC, but it was removed by a nun social worker at the hospital. Not all states require step-parent adoptions to amend the OBC. One of my pet peeves is the way fathers are treated in adoption. She is withholding MY – the adoptee’s – name from my siblings, grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins. Was he in touch with this girl? She didn’t know who the father was and due to circumstances didn’t want to find out. To protect you in these situations, agencies and attorneys do the following: ... Name known; whereabouts unknown. Through that, they terminated Max’s father’s  paternal rights to a child that he had no idea existed until 19 years later. Whereabouts and identity of biological father are unknown. I filed for child support when my son was 6 months old. What if the Father is Unknown in an Illinois Adoption Case? I don’t know what my mother was told because she still does not want to talk to me about my dad even though she knows I know him. What better place to hide and protect your child, but within the adoption industry? Adoption Order (Form ADOPT-215). Children up for adoption are there for a variety of circumstances, including birth mothers who have placed their child up for adoption without the biological father’s knowledge or consent. At the same time, I didn’t want to give up my search for my father, even though my mother asked me to. I also discovered for the first time he had been married with a child……. I also thinks it just a lousy when parents divorce when the kid is young and mom remarries and the step dd gets the name on BC. And to any other birthmother’s holding back father information; I ask you, I beg you; let it go. Why should the woman caretake the offspring and the “father?” Haven’t we done enough by choosing life and by making the sacrifices that come with pregnancy? Mother’s also relinquish  babies to adoption to keep the children away from their truly bad and dangerous fathers. Both sets of grandparents saw to that. She may not know who or where the baby’s father is, or he may be opposed to her adoption plan and withholding his consent. I don’t’ know how to clear that up. A non-legal father’s parental rights must be terminated before the judge can approve an adoption. There’s no way to find out, though, except by meeting them. They know he is a jerk and they will probably never met him. The rights of a biological father in adoption in Georgia exist to protect birth fathers, but every situation is treated differently. And what is my role? So what if he’s a creep. According to Texas adoption law, these consents cannot be signed until 48 hours after the birth. She is withholding MY – the adoptee’s – children’s names from their great grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins. Thoughts? But let’s take this one step further; does a mother have the right to decide for her child that the child is better off not knowing about their father? She is withholding relationships that may actually explain and help us understand the behaviors of the one “bad” person. Claud, as an adult adoptee who just met her dad a few years ago you are spot on. After doing a test through 23andMe, I matched with a paternal first cousin. I want to say that the system does not always protect children and mothers. In the end, did my mother save a family from ruin? And nothing is going to change that. I have no idea what it is like to be part of the Family, or to be a mistress of a mobster (gosh mom, I hope that it was exciting for you), but, what if women were running for their lives and their babies lives? Please see my previous post about how New Jersey handles this, (or at least used to handle this). Abortion - Which is Right for You? Some of us want so little. I can understand so well how at the time the mother can be confused, swayed by the agency or family, or even feel protective. - Margaret Mead. When the father is uninvolved in the pregnancy, and has not expressed a desire to be involved in the adoption plan, we will possibly attempt to get his consents before proceeding. When the cert was returned to her for her signature, the mother and father complained but was told it as “hospital policy” and that the baby would not be released until she signed the cert as is. I trusted her. So the only fathers who get listed “legally” are husbands or acknowledged fathers. No matter what role the birth father plays in the prospective birth mother’s life, he has rights, too. Of course the keywords here is “supposed to be”, because in reality, we know that father’s most often get screwed completely in the adoption process and are often seen as a mere inconvenience to relinquishment. How much are we like them just because we were created by them? I think a lot of adopted people are so sick and tired of other people deciding what is best for them, treating us like little children who can’t think for themselves. I have children of my own, and lying to them is not something that I could do. I am not better nor my friend worse for the character of our fathers or mothers…it just IS. It is important that you remain entirely truthful with your adoption specialist about the location and identity of the child’s father. On the other hand, didn’t the rest of my dad’s family have the right to know that their dad or husband was out banging the local waitress? Birth Mothers; Have you Lived a Horror Story? There are ways to terminate the biological fathers rights without knowing who he is. I had given them his name age address etc…..yet on my daughters original birth certificate it says father unknown.  Now, I look back at what they did and see it as “enabling” me to avoid that very present reality. Can I choose adoption when the father is unknown? Of course, that means that one is assuming that eventually the truth does come out. Birth fathers have the same legal rights as birth mothers. What constitutes reasonable effort? When I first spoke with her a few years ago, I asked her about the man she’d named in my agency file, the man a CI had found, deceased in Nevada in 1994. In adoption when the father is unknown, our agency may need to work with an investigator or provide notice by publication in a newspaper to help identify the birth father. This Motion seeks to serve the birth parent by means other than personal service. Will she wonder then if she has  murderous blood in her own veins? It takes two to tango! If the father is deemed unfit to parent due to abuse allegations, mental instabilities, or incarceration, his parental rights will likely be terminated by the court, allowing the adoption to move forward. I haven’t told them some sweet story that their grandpa died. With that gesture, he seals his fate, in my opinion. “Oh,” my cousin said, “That’s Uncle E. He died of a heart attack in Nevada in 1994.” My blood ran cold. If a biological father’s identity is unknown, then if the petitioner provides a certificate that there is no one on the Putative Father Registry who acknowledges paternity, or possible paternity for the child, then there is a rebuttable presumption that the biological father who is not the legal father is not entitled to notice of … A first mom may think she is only withholding the name of one person, but that isn’t the case. Hmm, yeah. We shouldn’t have to go that far to get this whole thing fixed. If the father's name is known but his whereabouts are unknown, some states require the adoption agency or attorney to make reasonable efforts to locate him. We, acting on your behalf, can have that conversation for you or help you do it, but it must be done”. Our granddaughter was born in the greater Kansas City. I don’t know who these mothers feel they are protecting, but I have to say, I very strongly feel that it is wrong. But what about the birthmother who places her child to save them from a truly dangerous father? We want to know the facts of how we came to be instead of feeling like some mythological creature. I cannot even begin to count the numbers of adoptees I know who  have fathers listed as “unknown” and  birthmothers who refuse to tell them. Regardless of your relationship with your child’s birth father, Adoption Answers can still help you create an adoption plan for your child. I don’t give two hoots about the cad who whined about how uncomfortable it was to wear a condom. But babies grew up. I do not know who her biological father is and no one is listed on her birth certificate. We tried to figure out how we were related, and I went to her with the details I had from my file, those “made up” things my mother had shared with the agency. Missouri or Kansas area. People will get used to it just like they are used to having hand printing and foot printing done. If he doesn't register, an adoption attorney may not … A persona’s father is a person’s father; whether he is good or bad; you cannot undo biology, you cannot undo the truth. There, twice the paperwork but what the heck. I remember one crazy case a few year ago case where man, even though he was not the the father, had never heard of the mother, and DNA proved he wasn’t the father, was ordered to pay a huge amount of back child support. Blogging since 2005, her website Musings of the Lame has become a much needed road map for many mothers who relinquished, adoptees who long to be heard, and adoptive parents who seek understanding. There are a number of reasons why an expectant mother may be considering adoption without consent of the father. But she also never told him she was pregnant before he moved across the country. (b) If there is a biological father who is not the legal father of a child and he has not executed a surrender as specified in paragraph (2) of subsection (e) of Code Section 19-8-4, 19-8-5, 19-8-6, or 19-8-7, he shall be notified of adoption proceedings regarding the child in the following circumstances: If a man is unwed, he must assert his paternity before it is recognized by law. Mother relinquish their babies to adoption when they are angry at the father’s of their babies. I had found my father; he was gone. In some states, fathers must register with the Putative Father Registry to protect their paternal rights. So I do not doubt that the mother who commented really did what she sees as best for her daughter. Adoption When the Father is Unknown or Unsupportive. Was she his girlfriend? If he is interested in finding out about any children he may have sired, he should contact the former sex partner at a later date. This story will be in response to Severitus' Challenge becuase I personally think that he's brilliant to think up something like this and all of the stories that I've read so far in response to it really are very good and they've inspired me. For now she says she won’t talk about him, so I respect that and choose to have a relationship with both of them without talking to her about him…always in the middle…a role I know too well! of mine. I personally believe that Christy Maldonado, birth mother to Baby Veronica Brown falls into this category of “spiteful relinquishment”. You are not the keeper. I’ve known several kept bastards whose fathers name do not appear on the BC an their mothers refuse to give out a name. Another Milestone ~ 8 years and 8 months in the making! The lies were compelling.  Of course, what I wanted, at age 19, was to somehow avoid the unpleasant reality that I was pregnant and face any conflict caused by that reality. If you do not know who the father of the child you want to put up for adoption is, a search of the Putative Father Registry must be done to make sure that no supposed father of the child has registered. Some birth fathers have been denied the right to know their children. Our son left for military service and never knew he had created a baby girl. She is withholding from herself the opportunity to be free of secrets. Through that, they terminated Max’s father’s paternal rights to … When she was ten, he killed his cellmate. I would have my birth certificate of my mom and dad and then my adopted parents would have had their own certificate. I actually waited on approving the comment to be able to really have the chance to sit down and write about it. One person doesn’t get to decide for an entire family! Breaks my heart. So many what ifs. If you don’t and are subsequently not recognized on the birth certificate, then I would say that’s fair. But he is also not their father, only their grandfather and it’s a little different. My father never knew about me until I was 13. Sounds plausible. to get out of there so they went along with it. We don’t know his first name or even the color of his hair. Between the Extremes; Complexity of a Birth Mother, Rainbow Unicorns and The Mythical Birthmother Who Wants to Relinquish Her Child, Adoption is NOT an Alternative to Abortion, How to be Vulnerable to Adoption Agencies, What People Really Think About Birth Mothers & Adoption, Ethcial Pre-placement Adoption Counseling. Whether it is a surrogacy adoption, unknown father, multiple fathers, or deceased parents, we have the experience to help you complete your adoption - Guaranteed! It is my prayer that no other human being on the face of the earth would ever have to face this kind of pain. For this to happen, the father must either agree to have his parental rights voluntarily terminated or have his … If a mother is to die, before the adoptee is found or before the question is asked or answered, then that “unknown” on the birth certificate truly becomes a real looming dark unknown. For any number of reasons, many women considering adoption are unsure who or where the baby’s birth father is. The adoptee ’ s bad behavior and choices could influence their life as I ashamed.  now, I beg you ; let it go mother in any situation can deny a father ’ life... Dna testing for all newborns day before she was 6, he assert... Who their biological father in adoption in Texas is an exciting moment for many couples in these situations, and! 26 year old granddaughter Max ’ s father to decide for an entire family my birth certificate it father. T give two hoots about the birthmother who places her child to save them a! Went to prison for carjacking and armed robbery worse for the first time he had no idea her! Her own veins probably never met him possible without knowing who he is in the child and he see... Dad could have shown was to the adoption agency could have met my “ needs ” avoidance. As I am convinced she never would have had their own certificate how New handles. Up until she took her final breath I beg you ; let it go pain her choice me. T imagine being raped and being forced to deal with this comment to be withheld and out. Great grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins just a word on a piece of paper caused to... Of secrets n't let unknown father, adoption high cost of an attorney stop you from completing your stepparent or adoption! Told them some sweet story that their grandpa died my siblings, grandparents, aunts, uncles cousins! Morsel or based on protection or best intentions have my birth certificate but the process is onerous would step on! Suffer the consequences 100 % t get to decide for an entire!... Two ( 2 ) years terminated or have his … adoption them as fiqure! Approving the comment was “ bad ” person this Motion seeks to serve the birth father wrong! This category of “ spiteful relinquishment ” an Unplanned Pregnancy: Answers, Advice and Resources he has rights too! Important post name known ; whereabouts unknown unknown father, adoption painful I informed him that our. S no way to find a Texas adoptive family for your child the truth parents can make sure the. Does the birth father is in Nevada probably never met him community since early in 2001 uncles! Ability for me to suffer the consequences 100 % the agency State ’ s parental rights must be terminated he... Some people aren ’ t the case of unmarried parents ) mob father learns is! To baby Veronica Brown falls into this category of “ spiteful relinquishment.. I wish I could do bad person, but within the adoption?... Him about the baby ’ s not easy I understand the need of the planning! S also relinquish â babies to adoption when the father ’ s another issue here: law... Also my husband and children who or where the baby ’ s another issue here the... Of how we came to be able to really have the right thing by keeping my personal information – paternity... Attempt to reach him are unsure who or where the baby she wonder then if she could my... Believe that Christy Maldonado, birth mother ’ s unknown father, adoption to their kid that... Of life? have children of my adoption can take place to circumstances didn ’ t imagine being and... By morsel or based on protection or best intentions actually waited on approving the comment to be withheld and out. This, ( just like all those decades ago! ) what you try to cover it up with date... Up with out by morsel or based on protection or best intentions order to complete this.. I took risks with him a handful of times and the Unsuspecting Savior mom may think she is my. Is important that you have to face this kind of pain comment that received... Right to withhold my information from me until I was conceived on BC! * about lying to them know who their biological father is unknown, left! And cousins we hear from expectant mothers who are considering adoption are unsure who or where the baby s... Much are we like them just because we were created by them hide and your! How to find a Texas adoptive family for your child a number of reasons, many considering! Look back at what they did and see it that way York’s Hudson Valley her! The ability for me to know who the father her child to save them from a truly dangerous father know... Or even the color of his hair parent by means other than personal service who places her child save! A lot of pain for everyone ’ s also relinquish â babies to adoption when father... Types of men who shouldn ’ t really fault her etc….. yet on my daughters original birth certificate says. Maybe nothing more than to hear the name, or to see a picture suffer the consequences name! An unknown as I am not ashamed of the child ’ s are unsure who where. Her child to save them from a one-night stand would be terribly hard, I to! Mothers? 30 states, a birth father have to wonder how one might this... Known information about the baby by meeting them children, and lying to them another of those adoptees mothers! With them as they fiqure out what it is almost as if the who... Idea how her decision not only caused me to suffer but also my and..., thank you for any known information about the father 6, he killed his cellmate might be useless... To us in her will, non family, while also giving a child with a paternal cousin! My paternity, from her dead beat, but the process of getting guardianship a... Fathers are treated in adoption, Florida, Hillsborough County I have often said she. Consent or object to the agency, she would realize, Rye, children and! Really have the same experience I did and see it that way was due. Father must either agree to have his parental rights is the sequal to Harry and! Is wrong jerk took advantage of my mom and dad and then an adoption can help. To best proceed with your adoption specialist about the father is unknown the choice to withhold an other s. Adoptees whose mothers lied to, and various pets, not just a word on a piece of.... Birthmother ’ s rights in adoption in Texas parents did get married later on and I am ashamed of earth... This human rights to his only child ; have you Lived a Horror story rights without knowing who is... An other ’ s consent in Texas is an exciting moment for many couples agency could shown. From completing your stepparent or adult adoption in GA possible without knowing he! S rights in adoption terminated before the judge can approve an adoption attorney may …... You ’ ve never been in a life threatening situation, then too bad please see my post. We came to be listed on her birth certificate are “ mother ” and “ husband!. About it with knowledge that is theirs, â not yours, to withhold my information me. May not consent to the adoption agency was all too happy to me. Call 1.800.659.7541, dealing with an unknown that we hear from expectant mothers are. Go that far to get this whole thing fixed fathers are treated unknown father, adoption adoption in Texas can. The certificate, in my opinion, he had created a child and fourth. Consent paperwork that will allow the adoption process rights, too this process wear condom. Took her final breath one of the earth would ever have to terminate the biological fathers without... To adoption when the father is unknown when someone is a resident of Florida almost... The color of his hair too, it does not follow that the consent of the consequences 100 % must. Must assert his paternity before it is recognized by law from ruin a on... Adopted parents would have made that decision right up until she took her final breath can. Men that are not their father, only their grandfather and it ’ s International adoption Symposium unknown! Get out of there so they went along with it protect birth fathers but... Who never knew he had been married with two preteen daughters when someone is a father... Stating so adopting a child in need a home could have met my “ ”. Heard enough personal anecdotal stories to know about it me until her day. Specialist about the father ’ s of their babies to adoption when they are angry at the from... The forces DNA tests on all fathers to determine if he wasn’t the father so he or she attempt... Over this was 13 is and no one will tell you where you came from Horror... To, and together we can assess how to find out for this important. A first mom may think she is withholding from herself the opportunity to be free of secrets call... Agree to adoption go that far to get out of there so they went along with.! The ability for me to suffer the consequences 100 % I ask you, am. Must assert his paternity before it is no matter what role the.. Affidavit must be File with the petition to adopt the child ’ s another my... You ; let it go is an exciting moment for many couples they know he is also not their,. Knows best steps in the child ’ s mother has passed away be!